vertigo
by chicanerywrites
Summary: vertigo (n) whirling, unbalanced, spinning. Sasuke has returned from his reflective journey with newfound clarity and unfinished business with a certain kunoichi. A Blank Period fic in which Sakura is confused and Sasuke is falling.
1. a list of withouts

**vertigo**

 **1:** **a list of withouts**

It was dusk. Oranges, flaming reds and wafting pink bouncing off her hair and skin. Sasuke looked like he was resisting the light, his usual pallor somehow, impossibly shining through. His quiet stubborness was always consistent with him.

He had outgrown his sleeves. His black shirt haphazardly tucked into his trousers, face dry and brittle. His bandages around his forearm were grey and aged. Face looked swallow, lips chapped and in a hard, thin line. He stood tall, eyes boring into hers with a quiet intensity. Her mind instantly went to the letter his hawk sent her, a raggedly cut paper that was folded impeccably.

His perfect handwriting was seared behind her eyelids, the penned words still visible with every blink. She had prepared for this moment for days on end. Typical overthinking, analytical Sakura- _-did he just write to her? Would all of Team 7 greet him at the gate, instructed by his letter? Well, maybe he thought Naruto would be too busy to greet him as a newlywed and all. She'd better ask Naruto. She couldn't ask Naruto-then he'd know and-_

 _Say Okaeri_ , she took in a haggard breath, several feet away from Sasuke as he stood there absorbing her entire soul, _Say Okaeri._

He'd said he'd see her soon, at this very spot. His cool fingertips brushed lightly against her forehead at the time, affection so visible and physical that the memory of it all fueled her months. He made her a promise on this cobbled road overlooking all of Konoha's lush green. She couldn't have ever fathomed that his breathy promise meant nearly two years of waiting, two letters stretched between that time and an unannounced visit had her reeling for entirely different reasons.

"You don't look well," she murmured airily. It was all she could manage. There was a painful catch in her throat she hadn't remotely perdicted.

"I am glad to know you fared better," He said quietly, almost in a sigh. He walked closer, languid with a one-shouldered shrug.

He was already annoyed with her. It wasn't what she wanted to say.

 _I missed you. I needed you. I am so sick of waiting. Okaeri, Okaeri, Okaeri_ _._

She shrugged non-comittally herself, reaching over to grab his small gray drawstring bag. Her fingers absent-mindedly played with the frayed rope, digging underneath her fingernails. She couldn't bring herself to look up. She felt like a complete fraud and she knew making eye contact would unravel her and her carefully laid plan. A plan she devised in an effor to salvage her pride and dignity, she reasond.

"Learn anything enlightening then?"

Her attempt at being evasive transformed her back into the familiar twelve year old brat. Perhaps her feelings were that elementary. At least, that was what she told herself when her chest constricted at the mere mention of his name, narrowly escaping the sad glances of pitying friends, colleagues and invasive neighbours. Only a foolish child….no, an idiot would carry on like this, holding a snuffed torch for all the village to see.

"Too much," He replied quietly, and then, adding sardonically, "mostly things about myself."

She couldn't help it, her eyes magnetically snapped onto his own and he was so close. His right eye was dark, a bottomless pool of unamed emotion, slightly wrinkled around the corners. From this distance, she could see the fine lines around his mouth and eyes. Her eyes rested on his porcelain neck, for safety of course.

"Huh," She murmured softly, clearing her throat.

She felt an ache in her fingertips. It wasn't as she imagined, morose and want filled her insides. There were fantasies, but.. But...

In those fantasies she saw practised fingers entangled in her hair, familiar lips on her jaw, near her neck, whispers in her ear, _tadaima, tadiam_ _a, Sakura._..

Fantasies.

He felt kilometres away from her despite being here. Now. Breathing the same air, walking a beat or two behind her step. She inwardly knew the awkwardness was partially her responsibility….but a small, immature but peristent part of her didn't care.

"Well, whatever you learned must've been enough," She said half-heartedly, resolutely walking forward, not caring if her pretending wasn't good enough.

She turned to appraise him, eyes soft and bottom lip being gnawed by her teeth. Her heels dug into the soft, murky red soil. The beaten path before them their only audience.

"You're back for good right?"

Her attempt at feigning ariy good nature failed miserably, his dark eyes swallowing her whole. She couldn't bear if this was temproary, she just couldn't.

He turned away fractionally, she imagined he was taking in the Konoha sights, the burgeoning infrastructure and lush, fresh green. He had missed a lot. Eighteen months was enough to miss the beginnings of a home he had so passionately stated he would rebuild.

"Is that the memorial?" he murmured distantly, vaguely gesturing to his right. Sakura somberly took in the peaking gray tombstones, inwardly shivering. She rubbed her bare arm instinctively and she could practically feel the burn of his eyes as her head snapped up.

She absentmindedly nodded, halfheartedly turning so she could continue to walk ahead.

 _You're back for good right?_

"I will pay my respects again. Soon," He whispered, nearing and she could feel his dark cloak enveloping her before seeing him actually do it. The warm weight of his cloak immediately settled the gooseflush marring her skin. His fingertips lightly danced on her shoulders, the ghost of his touch searing. Sakura willed her horrendous blush to disappear as she stomped ahead, tightening the cloak around her with a hurried word of gratitude.

She noted that his voice was missing its usual confidence as he spoke about the memorial and Sakura nearly turned around to look at him. She held herself steady. It wasn't her job to assuage him of his guilt, the depth of his regrets and sins. That was a lesson she learned the hard way. All these years, she wanted to help him shoulder the immense….feeling he carried around him, weighing him down. He didn't want that though, and the last few months had eroded whatever faith she had left.

"You still remember where Yamanaka flower shop is right?" She replied, the cadence in her voice purposefully higher.

His soft grunt in the affirmative flittered with the wind, lightly caressing her ears.

They continued to walk aimlessly, the cobbled sidewalk's rhythemic edges the only thing reverberating in Sakura's mind. She'd take a peek or two at her peripheral, watching him stare sullenly ahead.

Eventually she'd have to ask where he was going. Eventually she'd have to ask again if he really was home, for good.

Eventually she'd have to face him and the horrible, stomach-churning regret she felt.

Not of waiting for him….never that. But regret for the time lost, the changes missed, and how her heart felt so unfulfilled. She'd given him everything-heart, body and soul and she was so very tired of not feeling good enough. She'd come to the painful realization a week or so ago that her love for him, her devotion, began in her childhood and stayed stagnated the entire time.

And it wasn't fair anymore. It wasn't enough waiting for a possibility. Especially when she tasted that possibility, under a mass of sheets and their staggering breaths the only sound.

His letter signaling his return was truly ill-timed. Sakura had never felt more embittered.

"I'm sure you're hungry," she murmured, her fingers twisting comfortingly around the drawstring of his bag, shoulders hunched.

"Hn, there's Ichiraku," He whispered, pointing ahead. Sakura had to squint as it was practically nightfall now. She began trudging forward, actuely aware of how Sasuke waited for her to take the lead once more. She comfortingly tucked pink trendils behind her ear, fussing. She couldn't help but read into it. Was he nervous? Afraid?

She shook her head blithely, stifling a laugh. It's been so long that her fine-tuned art of reading Sasuke had failed her. Fiction and reality were melding together in a way she hardly anticipated.

She deliberately took in a hearty gulp of air. Campfire ash and Sasuke's scent in its glory masculinity filled her nostrils.

 _Not everything was fiction_ , a small voice inside of her conceded.

 _You're back for good...right?_

Ichiaraku's distinctive aroma filled the air before her eyes took in the familiar emerald lining the outside of small establishment. The sliding door was ajar, bobbing heads and uproarious crowd evident as they neared closer.

All too quickly, agreeing to Ichiraku seemed like a horrible mistake. Her feet were rooted in the uneven pavement, inexplicably paralyzed. After an eternity, Sasuke finally stood beside her and she just knew he was burning eyeballs into the side of her head. She let out a shaky breath-one, two.

"Are you okay?" Sasuke murmured quietly.

Sakura finally turned to look at him and she knew she was unravelling. She couldn't do this. She couldn't pretend that she wasn't maddeningly in love with this man. She couldn't hide the sheer elation that they were going to Ichiraku together. For a meal. Just the two of them. And mixed in with that love and unbridled joy was a hollow pain and realised shame-she couldn't quit him. Ever. Not matter what he said…. _.did_ -

"It's fine. You can go home," Sasuke added with finality, brushing past her to walk ahead, his voice violently pulling her out of her internal self-loathing.

She realised belatedly that she hadn't even deigned him a response to his question. She definitely didn't know what she was feeling but she was fairly certain that _okay_ was the wrong descriptor. Still, she should've responded.

The petty girl inside of her crowed that it served Sasuke right. Perhaps he'd finally learned what it felt like to be utterly ignored.

Sakura bit the inside of her cheek, shame filling her as she followed Sasuke at his heel.

"I really am okay," Sakura announced, resolutely watching his back as he trudged forward, "I'm out of sorts is all." 

Sasuke halted so quickly that Sakura nearly collided into him. She watched his shoulders rise and fall, her heart beating with anticipation.

Sasuke turned around fractionally, and he took in a shaky breath, almost steeling to look at her. _Fiction, Sakura, fiction._

"I'm sorry," Sasuke breathed, looking shame-faced, left fist gripping at his side, "It's late and I'm sure you just came from the hospital, right? I shouldn't have assumed. It was- 

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura interjected, shaking her head vigrously as she took hold of his knuckle-white fist, "You don't have to apologise."

He peered down to her two small hands engulfing his fist like a vice and instantly Sakura felt the familiar hot flush at the back of her neck, warming her cheeks. She resolutely stared at the gravel underfoot, fruitlessly attempting to steady her breath.

That was when she felt the hardened pads of his fingers lightly brush the underside of her own. Achingly slow and feather-like, it was so easy to assume it was a figment of her overzealous imagination.

Sakura's head snapped up and she resolutely peered up at Sasuke, bottom lip entrapped by her teeth. She could feel her breath escaping from her nose, her hands loosening around his fist. Sasuke firmly held her gaze, his fingers still zigzagging lightly on her fingertips.

Sakura had enough.

"I-I should go home, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said with finality, her voice thick with unshed tears.

It was one thing to be rejected. That she could understand. This unending confusion, with unpredictable leaps and drops, were an entirely different form of torture she couldn't withstand.

Sasuke grunted in the affirmative, eyes closed pensively. She once again lead the way, her pace brisk and purposeful. Sasuke trailed behind her, his footfalls almost deafening.

It felt like an eternity passed by the time Sakura's apartment building came into view. The new building was practically iridescent in the night, it's limitless windows and metallic scaling blinding amongst the older, pre-Fourth War homes. Sakura wondered blithely if Sasuke realised that they were only minutes away from Naka River and consequently, the old Uchiha compound. Although some parts of the compound were restored, such as the gardens and ryokans, the ancient Uchiha stronghold was still in rubbles. Initially, Sakura had quarelled with the Godaime about not sending word to Sasuke and including him in the restoration efforts. Tsunade had wisely informed her that it was a conversation best held in person and with utmost respect, when Sasuke was ready.

" _What I will not do is treat the Uchiha merely as an afterthought to Konoha's history " Tsunade remarked briskely, eyes narrowing, "during these times of hard-earned peace, we will change our patterns and not repeat the same cycle."_

Sakura sighed warily, arms folded protectively in front of her. A part of her felt the slightest tinge of guilt at their abrupt reunion. She slid off his tattered black cloak, its warm embrace leaving her cold.

"I'm sorry," Sasuke murmured with a sigh, reaching over and swiftly grabbing the cloak from his hands. It stayed bunched in his fist, his eyes tightly closed.

"You keep apologising Sasuke-kun….but I'm not too sure for what, anymore," Sakura replied quietly, staring resolutely ahead of her.

"For everything," He added, his breathing staggered.

"Everything…" She echoed hollowly, her lips in a hard line. Her mind immediately drowned with the onslaught of memories, of his fingers stroking in her hair, his teeth nipping at her earlobe, his voice repeating her name like a prayer.

"I want to restore….whatever bonds I destroyed," He continued, this time facing her and regarding her carefully. His voice was so quiet, fragile.

Restore. What exactly was he restoring?

Sakura's lips settled grimly, her eyes filled with unshed tears. Her throat was on fire, screaming for release. She turned to him, smiling apologetically.

"Ah. Sasuke-kun, I think it's late and perhaps, well…"

Sasuke eyes widened fractionally for a split-second and he gracefully regained his composure, replying "Yes. I should go. Goodnight."

Sakura waved with a breathy _goodnight_ of her own as she bounded up the stairs, sliding doors at the ready. She instinctively looked behind her, out of habit and there stood Sasuke. He was at the foot of the stairs, watching her enter her building. Her heart hammered in her ribcage and she just couldn't take it. As much as it pained her to be the one always clarifying, explaining, defending, confessing…...always, _always_ , forever and-

"And for the record Sasuke-kun, I don't want to restore our bond," Sakura proclaimed in a hurried breath.

She could tell it took heavy effort for his jaw to not slacken, even from this distance. Leave it Sasuke to remain as stony as Hokage Rock.

"I want...I want a new bond with you. A friendship," She added, smiling softly.

"Ah," Sasuke murmured disgruntedly, clearly not appreciating being taken aback. His cloak hang loosely from his grip, his right foot lightly bouncing on the step ahead of him.

"I want us to understand one another," Sakur continued, carefully choosing her words, "I'm different...we're different. Everything's changed and our old bond would be fitting a square peg into a circle."

"Friendship," He echoed, eyes narrowed in….confusion? The irony of it all wasn't missed by Sakura. She was expecting him to be grateful, escaping her ire and questions….especially after...well, _everything_ if she used his own words.

Sakura nodded eagerly, forcing herself to trudge ahead. She'd take friendship over a one-sided, promised romance anyday. She had the inkling that was all he could offer, but it was all but confirmed now. It wasn't like he showed her anything to the contrary.

 _At least, not verbally_ the pesky voice inside of her clarified darkly.

Sakura waited for his reply, hands twisting behind her back and eyes darting from his vacant stare, his limp cloak and hardened neautral expression. The silence stretched on and Sakura concluded she had to lighten the mood.

Coughing abruptly, Sakura inched forward, wagging a finger, "And as the first tenent of our friendship, I forbid you from apologising to me."

Sasuke sighed, his lips betraying him into a ghost of a smile. One eyebrow lifted curiously in reply.

"There's no need for an apology when we avoid hurting each other to begin with." Sakura emphasized, eyes beseeinchingly staring into his mismatched orbs, praying for him to understand her meaning. She was over his all-purpose apologies. Or the remnants of a nearly decade old guilt.

"Hn," Sasuke drawled, firmly holding her gaze, and then with a tilt of his head he refuted, "But in the event….that I do hurt you..." 

"Then we talk about it," Sakura quickly interjected, shrugging. 

Sasuke shook his head in wonderment and Sakura couldn't help but smile ruefully now.

"I know that seems more painful than apologising to me but it's a non-negotiable I'm afraid."

Sasuke face was stony as soon as the words left her lips, the airy camraderie between them snuffed away instaneously.

"It's never been painful….to apologise to you. Never," Sasuke muttered, voice shaky.

Sakura willed the instaneous flush in her cheek to go away, swallowing the gasp that almost left her lips.

"Okay, Sasuke-kun," Sakura murmured, "I'm-"

"Don't apologise," Sasuke interrupted gruffly, smirking, "Remember?"

Sakura giggled softly, nearing the entrance of her apartment again. The rollercoaster of emotions that always came with interacting with Sasuke never would cease, it seemed.

"Well, I'd better get inside. You're more than welcome to add your own non-negotiables, Sasuke-kun," Sakura added airly.

Sasuke nodded once, eyes crinkled in quiet mirth. It was Sasuke's turn to wave this time, a solemn tilt as he faced forward and made his way to Gods know where. Sakura watched through the glass doors as he made a turn to the right when the sinking feeling of unfinished business crept into her stomach. She slammed right fist into her left hand in sudden realization, careening through the glass doors.

"Sasuke-kun!" She shouted, hanging onto the slick, silver railing. He instantly turned around, though his expression was muddled from this distance.

" I nearly forgot to say it. Okaeri!" Sakura sang, grinning widely.

And finally, after a beat or two:

"Ah. Tadaima. For good."

A/N: welp, this is my interpretation of the blank period. it's been nearly a decade since i wrote fanfic and the nostalgia freight train hit me hard as i wondered about my most cherished OTP sasusaku…..only to find out that they were married, had the most precious baby and my quick spiral into obsession lead to this. i resolve to try and see this fic through.


	2. the sound of the void

**vertigo**

 _2: the sound of the void_

There is a memory Sasuke always goes back to. Itachi-nii-san feet are tickling his own underneath the kotatsu, and he's got the faraway look again, the one Sasuke couldn't decipher until nearly a decade later. Kaa-san was organizing her recipes again, _seasonal this time Sasuke-ah, don't give me that look_! and Otou-san was just minutes away from coming home, the mounting mix of anticipation and slight unease pooling in his stomach despite this being their routine nearly everyday, of every year.

Sasuke so desperately missed that feeling-the repetitive, monotonous, predictable nothing his evenings would be when there were people to go back too, a home. He indulged in this memory during his darkest times, despite knowing the sad ache he'd feel when the warmth of reminiscing faded away.

Lately, there was another memory too. A slow-burn of a memory, alighting in its intensity in the most peculiar way. Sakura's endless apple-green eyes swallowing him whole, her shy hand grasping his wrist, the heat of her chest and the shaky way it rose and fell. But most of all, her opening the door and welcoming him back home.

And so Sasuke indulged as the sun shattered through the dusty blinds, after a night of fitful sleep. It wasn't surprising considering it was his first night back in Konoha after nearly two years. Sleep just didn't come as soundly without the whispers of the rivers or the crackling of his stoked fire.

Not to mention the ryokan's futon was incredibly uncomfortable.

Groaning softly, Sasuke arose with trepidation. Now that he was back in Konoha, he was unsure of what to do with himself. Sasuke often enjoyed wandering without purpose but it just seemed strange now that he was back home. He wasn't sure if it was due to the immense painful memories that haunted nearly every corner of his hometown or if it was his increasing desire to create new ones and the inability to do so.

He was sure that he missed breakfast by now. Staying at the ryokan in the old Uchiha stronghold was a whimsical decision, something new for Sasuke. Curiosity lead him to his old home last night and he was surprised to find that there were a few stores and ryokans open. He was keenly aware that the lamp lights and lanterns seemed to disappear past the perimeter of the compound, meaning that the old homes and apartments that were so familiar to Sasuke were probably still in ruins. He wondered if the decision to restore some parts of the compound was purely financial or an olive branch. He remembered the wide-eyes the receptionist gave him when he asked for his room and the plain anxiety in which she procured the keys. However, there was no malice behind the middle-aged woman's eyes.

 _The only way I'll find out is if I ask._

Sasuke grimaced, none too keen on the thought. Still, he did come to the ryokan to satiate the persistent questions in his mind. The red and white uchiwa was proudly in display along the decorated halls. As Sasuke perused, he faintly smelled burning incense. Turning to his right, he recognised the large, golden doors of a cabinet inside a small room. Realization dawned on him, inwardly aware that it was an altar.. As Sasuke entered, his eyes immediately were drawn to the crinkled, faded picture of a couple. They were standing at the foot of the ryokan he currently inhabited, many years ago and most likely before the Uchiha Massacre. Somebody had been in here moments ago to pay their respects.

 _I guess an olive branch then._

"Teme! Goddamnit, you're hard to find!"

Sasuke closed his eyes tightly, hoping futilely that he was just imagining Naruto uncouthly barging in an altar and screaming. The echo of his voice vibrated through the tiny room, offerings and glass windows shaking.

He felt him clapping his shoulder, declaring proudly, "Thankfully, I caught you just before my lunch break. You have no idea how hard it is these days to sit down for a decent meal. All of this adult shit, y'know?"

Sasuke finally opened his eyes and as he momentarily took in all the changes in Naruto-from his shorter hair, taller- _a few centimeters, of course_ -form, less obscene and decidedly less orange outfit-and fought the urge to shove his arm off.

"You do realise where you are right?" Sasuke interjected in a harsh whisper, gesturing to the altar, "Can you not be a fool for once?"

"The hell you mean? I'm just happy to see you!" Naruto snapped, affronted.

"We're in an altar. Where people pay their respects to the dead," Sasuke muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Let's get out of here before I'm properly cursed."

"Well even though that stick is still firmly up your ass, I'm glad you found a sense of humour along your travels," Naruto retorted derisively.

Sasuke smirked, eyes softening. If they were more mature and not as emotionally stunted, perhaps Sasuke could've told his best friend that he missed him too.

Naruto grinned, unsaid words heavy between them.

 _If only it was this easy with-_

"Alright, asshole. Get changed quickly, we need to have a reunion meal stat," Naruto cried, fist pumping the air. He gave Sasuke a hearty shove out of the altar, explaining to him the arduous efforts he went through to find him and sneak out of Kakashi's "Hokage-in-Training" classes.

"It's a waste of time, I tell you. Whenever I get a break in between missions, Kaka-sensei hauls me up in his dingy office. And there's no escaping it too cause he's the one who gives me missions!"

They had finally made it back to Sasuke's room. Naruto's untimely visit had put a snare in Sasuke's morning plans. He changed out of his yukata, hoping to quickly take a shower before Naruto dragged him for lunch.

"How the hell did you find me anyway?" Sasuke interrupted, glaring at the intrusion in question.

Naruto chuckled darkly, wagging his finger, "News travels fast around here, teme. No thanks to you! You should've told me you were coming."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "I didn't take you for a gossip like the bored civilians."

"Nope," Naruto agreed, "But I'm a proud eavesdropper. If you wanted to stay hidden, why the fuck would you come back here, to the Uchiha compound? And stop ignoring my question, why didn't you tell me?"

Sasuke sighed, fishing for the clean towels and toiletries.

"I was being considerate. I know you're busy with your new wife," Sasuke murmured, shrugging, "And I told Sakura."

"Wait, Sakura-chan knows?" Naruto snapped, "Why didn't she tell me?"

"She was probably being considerate of _me_ ," Sasuke replied dryly.

"The hell is that supposed to mean?" Naruto shouted, and then he deflated quickly, scratching his chin in what Sasuke could only deduce as thought. Sasuke shuddered inwardly at the realization. Clearly the changes in Naruto weren't only physical.

"Hmm, that is interesting, y'know," Naruto hummed conspiratorially.

"Don't make me guess whatever you're thinking, halfwit," Sasuke grumbled, "I've got to take a shower."

"It's just interesting that you only chose to tell Sakura," Naruto continued slyly, "Is something up between you too?"

"No," Sasuke replied with finality, "And now I need you to let me take my damn shower."

Naruto held up his hands in surrender, closing his eyes in mock defeat, "I get it, I get it. Touchy subject. Anyway, lucky for you Sakura can't make it to lunch so I can't grill the both of you together. I'll be waiting in the hallway, asshole."

Sasuke waited to hear the click of the door, finally trudging his way to his long-awaited shower. Unfortunately for Naruto and his newest gossiping proclivities, there was no information to relay about Sakura and himself.

None at all. Nothing was happening. Nothing changed.

According to Sakura, they were now friends.

 _Friends._

Sasuke snorted, shutting his eyes instinctively as the water spluttered from the showerhead.

* * *

Sasuke resolutely chose to ignore the feeling of bitterness that accompanied that term when he thought of his pink-haired teammate.

Sasuke tapped his chopsticks sullenly at the rim of ramen bowl. It had been about a half and hour since joining Naruto for lunch. Ichiraku was buzzing, and Sasuke noted that there had been a third expansion of the establishment, fitting a dozen more patrons. The curtains looked newer too and Sasuke keenly observed a wall full of pictures, a sea of strangers except for Naruto's face springing up enough times that it made him cringe-Naruto in all his glory, in various outfits but that same joyous expression ever present as he was surrounded by empty bowls.

When Sasuke had asked Naruto, he proudly proclaimed that he had told "old man Teuchi" that hosting a ramen competition every month would be great for business and morale.

"I'm kinda the reason why he expanded at all to be honest," Naruto mused, scuffing his nose in feigned humility, "I honestly think I should be a partner or something. A stake in the business, y'know?"

Sasuke couldn't summon the energy for a response. Ultimately, Sasuke had to grudgingly admit that it was nice to be back home and taste the familiar scalding broth and slippery noodles from his childhood.

"It is hard imagine you as a giving lover, Naruto."

Sasuke nearly felt whiplash with the shock in which he snapped out of his reverie. He almost forgot that Sai, in his strange translucency and eerie candor, was there too. Sasuke wasn't too sure what to make of Sai quite yet, he knew with certainty that they would never be friends but he had to respect him for being a reliable comrade to Naruto and Sakura when he had violently tore their team apart with his defection.

While Sasuke was not in a place to judge another's communication skills, he could say with confidence that he at least knew appropriate talk during a meal.

And Naruto's sex life was definitely something he didn't want to hear about in any capacity.

"Don't imagine me at all, weirdo. That's the point I'm making," Naruto replied, almost anguished. Clearly the two of them had been debating for awhile now.

"I meant no disrespect at all. My goal is to acquire a breadth of data so that I'm able to gauge my own ability as a lover," Sai pressed on, nodding thoughtfully.

Naruto groaned, rubbing his face.

Sasuke coughed mildly, taking a final slurp of his ramen. It was abundantly clear that their lunch outing had to come to a swift end.

"Have I made you uncomfortable, Uchiha-san?" Sai asked, smiling. Clearly the ex-Root member had noted that Sasuke was about to leave.

"It's fine," Sasuke replied briskly, "I should be heading out anyway."

"Where?" Naruto demanded, "You got nowhere to go, teme. Don't leave because of Sai. You've barely said a word."

"He strikes me as the non-verbal type," Sai offered helpfully.

"Yeah, he's stunted like that but you're sex talk definitely didn't help!" Naruto shot back.

"I truly didn't mean to make you feel inadequate in front of your long-time friend. I am sure Hyuga-san is more than satisfied with your below-average equipment"

Sasuke eyes widened, momentarily grimacing. Sai was truly a quick-witted, brazen asshole.

Naruto cracked his fist, sighing warily. He inched near Sai, grabbing the back of his collar. Despite talking like he had a death wish, Sai looked like a lifeless doll as Naruto lowered his head forebodingly.

"You're lucky we're at Ichiraku and I've got some respect for old man Teuchi," Naruto breathed warningly, fist dangerously close to the back of Sai's neck.

"Indeed," Sai replied quietly, laughing awkwardly, "And you also don't want to leave Ino a widow."

"That too," Naruto quickly affirmed, smirking.

"Well, I do think I extended my stay far longer than welcome," Sai cajoled, smoothing down his shirt and standing as gracefully as one could after being manhandled publically. He flashed Sasuke a gracious smile, adding "It was certainly an event to make your acquaintance again. I would've said pleasant but you didn't say very much."

Sasuke shrugged and replied, " I think that was for the best."

With a resounding wave, Sai flash-stepped out of Ichiraku as Naruto ordered another bowl of miso chashu with pork.

"You seriously can't be eating more," Sasuke muttered, deeply annoyed.

"Yes! I need something to eat while we talk," Naruto explained, gesturing at Sasuke dismissively.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, ordering another sake.

"So you went to see Sakura-chan yesterday," Naruto sang, grinning, "That must've been awkward."

"You're not going to get me to say anything," Sasuke muttered contemptuously,, "You're going to have to live with whatever Sakura told you."

Naruto's eyes widened cartoonishly and remarked, "So there is something to tell. We're getting somewhere."

Sasuke took a hearty gulp of sake, wincing slightly. It had been awhile since he had some alcohol. The last time was a year ago, when he had come back to Konoha for an unexpected visit and-

 _Stop._

"You're being fucking weird," Naruto continued, drumming his fingers on the table.

"You're the one prying into something that isn't even there. Sakura and I are friends, that's it."

Naruto snorted, "Since when?"

"According to Sakura, since yesterday," Sasuke replied sarcastically. Naruto gave him a long sideway glance and sighed.

"You two are exhausting _and_ weird. I give up."

"Don't overwork your brain, dobe."

* * *

Somehow, inexplicably, Sasuke managed to leave Naruto shortly after. He realised belatedly that Naruto's alleged lunch break was most likely him entirely skipping out on whatever lessons Kakashi was torturing him with and he had made Sasuke an involuntary accomplice in his childish escape.

 _That dobe…_

Sasuke wasn't entirely sure what to do with himself now. He didn't feel ready to go back to the ryokan and strangely he didn't seem quite ready for going back to his childhood home and inquire into the extent of the restoration efforts. Not yet, anyway.

Walking through the cobbled streets of Konoha, Sasuke couldn't help but zero in on the stares and inquisitive glances. Generally, he was quite immune to the attention, negative or otherwise. His travels had hardened him into a wanderer that deeply understood the price he had to pay for his choices and part of his penance was enduring questions, anger, hatred, and even violence.

Somehow, it was harder to stomach now that he was back in Konoha.. Maybe it was because he could recognise some of the faces-classmates from the academy, neighbours, comrades…..or even past enemies. Either way, his discomfort coiled with mounting regret.

Atoning for his sins seemed easier when he was further way and perhaps that meant his redemption was insincere. Was he really forging ahead if he had to completely forget and be away from any and all reminders of his past?

"Sasuke-kun?"

She was wearing her lab coat, her striking pink hair tied in a flimsy, hurried bun atop her head. Her new longer hair suited her, not that he'd ever tell her as much. He could see the shock in her wide eyes, her free hand tightly secured around her work bag while the other was occupied with some take-out.

And amidst his observations, he couldn't tell if she was happy to see him or not. That was one thing that he could always count on and now-

"I'm just leaving work!" Sakura explained, smiling softly. She had obviously sensed his discomfort. He nodded, kicking a stray pebble out of frustration as she bounded toward him. He wasn't quite sure what to say to her now-now that they we're _friends_.

"What have you been up to?" She continued, nervously tucking wayward strands behind her ear.

"I had lunch with the dobe," He replied, "and your other teammate. The ex-ROOT?"

Sakura snorted, "Sai? Goodness, that must've been strange for you."

He eyed her curiously and added, "Naruto said you couldn't make it to the lunch."

He wasn't sure what compelled him to ask but he had to know. What did being friends really mean? Did she want distance from him? Was she angry? Sakura had been his teammate, admirer, enemy…..but never a friend. He didn't know why he was so concerned with getting to the bottom of it but he was sure her extending that offer of friendship was because she was unhappy with whatever else he was able to offer. Could've offered.

 _Would've…_

"There were two back-to-back surgeries today," Sakura murmured, gazing ahead of him, through him, "I would've loved to be there. I-I should've been there. I'm…"

He couldn't fight the involuntary smile as Sakura palmed her face, giggling from sudden realization.

"I'm not going to apologise!" Sakura sassed, a rueful smile on her lips, "I keep my promises."

 _Not all of your promises…._

"Don't worry about it," Sasuke muttered abruptly, his right hand securely in his pocket. Sakura was still grinning warmly at him and the sudden feeling of shyness was so unexpected that he had the slightest urge to run back to the ryokan.

But the desire to be with her now was far stronger. He would take whatever he could of Sakura, whatever she had to offer. He knew that intuitively that there was no point in him even trying to deny it. He had been unfair to her…. _selfish_. He was in no position to ask for more, to even want more.

Perhaps this was his greatest price. Losing the one person he always thought would have him- _no matter what._

"Anyway, how was lunch with them? Did you visit Kaka-sensei yet?"

They began walking aimlessly now. Sasuke deduced they were probably walking in the direction of her apartment but he didn't want to verbally confirm. She seemed less on edge, especially in comparison to their reunion and he warily feared that anything would unbalance their precarious interaction.

"Lunch was uncomfortable," Sasuke answered as Sakura's melodic giggles surrounded them. Clearly Sai being an invasive ass was par for the course.

"As for Kakashi," Sasuke continued, sighing, "Not yet. I'm probably going to get an earful for not seeing him straight away after my travels."

Sakura hummed in agreement. She was always a stickler for the rules.

"I'm sure there are a few security clearances you purposefully ignored," Sakura admonished, rolling her eyes good-naturedly, "But I'd get it over with sooner than later. Not to mention, Kaka-sensei would appreciate your insights on things."

Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows, "Like?"

"Well...from whatever I heard-you definitely travelled greater distances than some shinboi could ever dream of. You probably have a lot of valuable intel that would be great for Konoha. You did help us a lot you know-there have been so many situations that could've ended poorly if it weren't for you. You made a positive difference in Konoha, Sasuke-kun and it was definitely felt."

She had compared him to Konoha's Military Police Force hadn't she? It was that comment that had filled him with such comfort and gratitude. She just knew exactly what words to use-all this time, he thought he was atoning for his sins, half-heartedly trying to restore the once pristine name of the Uchiha clan….and Sakura viewed him as a protector.

She probably wasn't even aware that his true reason for returning was that he felt like it was finally enough, that he had made enough of a difference if likening him to those who stood for justice was possible.

"Sakura."

She peered at him, still rubbing her chin thoughtfully as she probably recalled all of the anecdotes other people relayed about him over the years. Here she was, ruminating over stories when she deserved letters penned by him. Endless letters and visits and gifts and more than just one night and now-

Sasuke grabbed her shoulder, snapping her out of her reverie. After all this time, he at least owed her an explanation.

"I should've wrote to you more," Sasuke began, unable to look at her now. He was afraid of what he would see in her painstakingly honest eyes. He had none of her bravery or the finesse to properly explain himself but he soldiered on, ignoring the sudden lump in his throat.

"I should've….I wasn't fair to you. I'm sure you were expecting to hear from me but-"

"Sasuke-kun" Sakura interjected, tutting, "This sounds like an apology."

"Well, it is," He returned gruffly.

He watched in fascination as her face reddened, hands twisting behind her back as her eyes shimmered. It's been awhile since he's seen that face.

"I'm glad. I think-I think I needed to hear that," Sakura breathed, nodding softly.

He wasn't sure what to make of that comment. He wasn't even able to explain to her that it wasn't a choice on his part for not communicating…..that he was completely undeserving while she deserved it all. And more.

How could what he said now possibly be enough?

"We're making progress," Sakura announced cheerfully, and suddenly her arms were around his waist, pulling him tightly toward her. He could smell the faint mint shampoo of her hair, her small hands shaking as she caressed his back. Her heart was hammering against his chest, and he steadied his own breath so that he wasn't choking from the whiplash of it all.

He wasn't sure if he would ever be getting a hug from her again. This fragile, delicate moment between them didn't even seem real.

"I'm so happy you're home," Sakura whimpered into his chest, her hands now gripping the front of his shirt, haphazardly trying to hide her tears. He awkwardly wondered how she could withstand the smell of him, realizing he never did get the chance to wash his clothes.

He turned away from her, inadvertently brushing his cheek against her soft, pink tendrils. He suppressed the urge to sigh, breathe her in and to nuzzle even deeper into her.

And then it hit him, like kunai to the chest. That warm, comfortable thread winding in his stomach and snaking around his heart...

That mounting mix of anticipation and slight unease pooling in his stomach….

...but most of all happiness.

* * *

 **a/n:** woo! It was tough writing this chapter from sasuke's POV. idk if i even did a decent job, writing newly redeemed, introspective sasuke has been quite the task. I'm deciding if i should do back and forth POVs but i'm still tentatively deciding what'll work best.

welp, you guys can look forward to pining!sasuke for most of this fic lmaoo and he has no damn reason to pine cause he's a stunted mess but we 3 revenge on sakura's behalf, don't we?

Thank you for the follows, reviews, and favs! I appreciate it any and all feedback as i'm still quite rusty.

much love!


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